2003-07-14 / 2:01 p.m.

(old school monster freak-out)

I'm in a warehouse building with R. from the band when suddenly the planes start screaming in the sky, dropping bombs. R & I don't know where to go. Inside the building where we could be crushed by falling debris? Or outside where we are sure to be a target for a bomb?

I call the Ex on my cell phone and suddenly Just. Like. That. we are back together and I'm living with him in the house in which I grew up. And even though it feels Wrong. Wrong. Wrong, I am wandering around the house trying to figure out where to put my books, studying his CDs and marveling at how his tastes have changed in the seven years since we split up and staring at the photo of us that he's dug out of god knows where...the sight of that photo - I'm so young-looking, so stupidly hopeful - turns my stomach into a snarl of knots and in my dream I am sobbing incontrollably.

Even in my sleep I can't escape him. He really has turned into the monster underneath my bed.

last night ... tonight